Like this:

“I want to stand in Your counsel  to  sit  at  Your  table

And speak to You face to face as  a  friend

I want to stand in Your  fire  wherever  Your  eyes  fall

May You find me  faithful  to  Your  heart

Let me be  found…

With a heart  after  You

May Your eyes find this  heart  loyal  to  You

May You be all that’s on my mind  all  of  the  time

Let my heart be torn in two until  your  will  is  mine

Dearly Beloved of my  soul”

A Heart After You

~Luke Wood IHOP.org

Tonight was really wonderful I watched a fun comedy romance, and had a very encouraging and challenging conversation with my christian brother about gender identity, and the blueprint for sexuality in the context of being a new creation in Christ, and all while finally restoring my relationship to my terribly neglected CELLO!

After he dropped me off and I caught my late night train, I assed the blessings on my person including that Cello I’ve missed, my darling new stiletto sangria suede shoes (how many S’ can you say? right?) bought for the blessed event I’m part of this spring, my favorite blend of coffee–for free–from my new job at starbucks, and my beloved i-pod–which daily provides a sweet internal means for my prayer and worship life …man I just FELT my blessings as I careened along the late night tracks.

As I neared my subway stop I was listening to the above song over and over again, and I was thinking (as I constantly do while on the subway or at the end of my day) about this dear friend I have Jesus and what we did that day…

I got to my stop and hustled out of the train before she moved on to the next stop…I was getting my self all “braced up” for the icy chill coming along down with white flakes from the top of the stairs when I was distracted from my laborious (remember the 40 pound cello previously mentioned) progress…a bent black cloaked figure was standing on the 3rd stair of the first case of two to reach the street level. The figure wore a black hooded North Face coat and held a cane, I had no idea if it was a man or woman. I am extremely outgoing, bold, and willing but I have rules at night in New York. Believe it or not your Breannabird is not entirely thoughtless. In fact I’ll have you know I’m a bit fierce about safety especially at night in this city… it was past 12 and I had just returned from the Bronx (sometimes known as a rougher side of town) so I generally CHARGE forth in confidence out of the subway as though I own the world at night, till I get in my door briskly, and militarily. But something so powerful just held me there. As I quickly took in what I perceived I realized the bent figure (an elderly mid 50’s woman) was not standing on the steps but slower than a snail’s pace trying to CLIMB the steps…I can not express how painfully slow the movement of her non-slip black tennis shoe was as it lifted to reach the next step a millimeter at a time. I knew I was not supposed to stand there and wait, much less gawk at this poor woman, so removing my worship music from my ears, I did “step one” as I usually do when it’s NOT 1am in the morning, “Excuse me Ma’am? Do you need some help? ”  She muttered something gruff, not intelligible but definitely leaning more in the “leave me alone and bug off” direction than positive…I felt her weight keenly even in the spirit, and it repelled my joyful lightness with a heaviness far greater than my burden of an instrument and the bag on my back. I took three more steps and stood on the stairs so aware of the freezing cold. I felt this powerful urge to just stand there…I thought about Jesus, he would not keep walking. He would KNOW what to say to her exactly in the right tone and heart to reach her in that moment where she was at–my whole being cries out for that kind of perfect relevance and intimate understanding of PRACTICAL love for others–I had nothin’ …I mean now reading it it may sound kind of profound, and time did kind-of take a back seat in this little encounter, but it was just real life too! I had to be real about the fact that I could not (even though went back and forth about it 10 times!) lay a hand on her uninvited in the black new york night, no matter how good my intentions were! I could not HELP her if she said no! Another girl came out and saw me standing above the woman on the steps with the concerned look on my face…she seemed captured in the same predicament because she stopped still when she saw me too…I thought of the story of the good Samaritan–I wasn’t shooting for that, it just made me think, “what must have gone through each passer bye’s mind?” Funny how I thought of so many things while standing in the 20 degree windy cold, but let me tell you I’ve never seen anyone move this slowly!! She looked at me several times then asked the woman if she needed help, same not-friendly response. She headed up the steps and murmured “she said she’s fine” I was glad she felt relieved of any responsibility for the woman, but I still felt glued to the steps…well it’s all well and dandy if someone SAYS they’re fine even when they are clearly in MASSVE pain and in NEED??? Another man passed us next also with a cane but not so strenuously, murmuring some kind of nonsense…I said something esle to her I don’t remember what, and she mentioned something about knees, and wishing “they” “these people” would stop yelling at her…she made no sense at all. I related to her that my grandmother had recently had both her knees replaced and I can only imagine what it must be like for her…All the while I stood beside her with my stupid cello on my back not touching her though desperately–by now–wanting to hold her arm assist with her bag, just assure her with my hand to her contorted back that she was doing well…I could not.  So i stood there and spoke about nothing as she so very slowly lifted her foot again to reach the next step. I thought, “well maybe he would wait, stay, climb with the woman?” It sounds stupid but by the time I got to the last 3 it was agony NOT to touch her. The only remote sign of me being helpful (I’m sure I could not have done much at all) was  noticed because she did speed up toward the end quite a bit. I got bold toward the end saying, “You’re doing great ma’am! You’re almost there, almost done! You did it!” I felt so insolent but out the phrases came almost involuntary… I asked if I could help her to walk home at all, if it was far? she said no…no…I had to keep on, “have a wonderful night ma’am!” Walk…I had to walk home.

I wish I prayed and she was healed and that she lit up with fire in her eyes feeling born anew just because someone stopped…I really wish that. But I walked home. I didn’t pray over her right there.

I thought about people and how we run and push. Am I that woman Jesus? You are– you said a cup of cold water in your name is unto you, so I suppose I could be likened to the woman. Do I say “no I’m fine” when you come to my aid, and does it break your heart to walk next to me? Do you stand and watch me struggle after rejecting your offer with every solution and miraculous healing I could ever desire…and you can not act because I will not say yes? It must break your heart…

Today I spoke with two more of these people, but they had no idea. An actor and a dancer, but every bit as broken as the woman on the stairs…and here I am–standing in their lives WAITING…because I have to follow the rules–that you do not touch to assist unless invited.

Jesus can not touch my pain unless I say yes. When did you last let him into yours? When was the last time we genuinely STOPPED to ask someone if we could?…You see  tonight I got a few doors to my apartment before I realized…it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I don’t even fully know why…Oh Jesus! I forgot to ask her name...I don’t even know her name.

Sittin' on the subway

Advertisement