“No Pain no Gain” The Bliss of Sacrifice

2/14/08

My wonderful community of the beloved!!

We are still in great need of physical healing with many dancers still recovering from major fevers and injuries. That is the main note of need!! No sooner did I send the last update then another sweep of illness ensued!

Last night as we were on our 3 hour drive to Brown County IN, I was thinking about all that I have acquired and cultivated over the past months in YWAM, and I think there are a couple of key things I would like to share.

Pain is gain, and It’s all about character and intimacy!!

Ministry is often so much more about building you, and breaking you not always “the others”, the unreached. We think we are heroes when we sign up for the church mission trip, or give a year of our lives to consecrate unto the Lord, and while the above may be noble, and bursting with good intensions maybe it’s just not nearly as heroic as we would think. When my flesh is stretched beyond the first few weeks of honeymoon excitement, and the blood of suffering begins to flow along with the sufferings of Christ Jesus, when I am out of new ideas for approach, and intimacy levels seem to be firmly set with all those who were such a mystery in the beginning, and the kids problems are still there, and still just as hopeless as every school stop—you see it’s here that real “ministry” begins. All my self-centered motives are exposed and o-so-short in their delivery. I find that here is where I am broken and the Lord experiences the fragrance which never could be bought, or found in the beginning of my advance into his character. Until I am at the end of me, He is not permitted to really move. If I am ministering from my shinning veneer of perfection of my own pretense, He is not glorified or pleased. Self-aggrandizement is the enemy of intimate experience in the knowledge of God and the treasures to be found with in dependency!

He is not interested in using my ability to “act” loving, gentle, and full of mercy, He wants me to dig deep into himself to access his beauty—his nature, and then truly produce these attitudes in my ministry, a product of my intimacy with Him alone. I find that so many among my generation’s elite Christian members are so desperately attracted to adventure (and rightfully so, who wants to be bored?) but so few yearn for sacrifice. What if it has to be both? Is that impossible and absurd? Not according to Paul, “I want to know Christ and…the fellowship of sharing in his suffering, becoming like him in his death…”Philippians 3:10 They run after the prize not expecting to pay any hard price. I am starting to see that true intimacy requires sacrifice, suffering, and pain. Jesus suffered daily on behalf of this shattered place we live in called sin and death. To be near him I cannot stay on the quiet surface, I must dive with him to the depths of the darkness and pain of even my own depravity and see it for what it is, I must run with him into the eye of the storm. Ministry is unto intimacy, work is unto intimacy, everything is…all for the Love and relationship with Jesus! And I also am finding out about the long haul. I know I am young, and I know very little of what it takes to make a marriage work in our day, but I’m fairly sure that I would be hard pressed to find a espoused team that is effective and powerful that hasn’t weathered some hard storms together. We need stormy weather to test our sails. We need the test. I still hate, and chafe at the harness of it, just like any untamed mare would early on in her training— yet I am thankful, yet I am aware—that the Lord is working in me through “this momentary light affliction an eternal weight of glory” 2 Corinthians 4:17that can not be taken or faded by the light of this fading world. I am wounded by this image in my spirit of waiting in the place of suffering—bleeding for me, is the man on the cross, full of joy at the thought of the chance—the coming moment when he can pursue my heart in his fire and flood of passion. “Our God is an all consuming fire”. Deut 4:24 “Who for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning it’s shame…” Hebrews 12:2 The pain in the midst of our giving is what contributes the value to our gift, makes it real, and “I will not give to the Lord that which costs me nothing.”1Chronicles 21:24 I think that after a two week missions trip you learn a lot about where you are spiritually, and some about where you need to go from there to achieve growth, but when you step out for months and years at a time, your heart must move into deep need for Jesus, or you’re running on a false motor that will eventually (most likely quickly) burn out. We must lose our way, fall apart, run out, and finally be born again, in Christ. “Chirst in me, Christ in me [through, around, inside, consuming]me, the HOPE of Glory!!” Col 1:27

I don’t think it is a total coincidence that I am contemplating these things on Valentine’s Day. How he longs to have my whole heart, and so slow I am to learn how to really give it! But I think that the more I give up and ask him for the small things, like the grace for the next moment, the next interaction with that somewhat tricky person to relate to, the next show that I have no strength to produce energy for, the more he is delighted to come and show me how he loves me, even deeper than I even knew was possible in my mighty revelations of his calling on my life. Paper thin are my old beliefs of his ability, they fall to the ground in awe of his next move! I love and am desolated by these discoveries, let me run with you Lord in the suffering and in the adventure that following you brings!!

In other news: Value your precious family!!! My mom Jacqueline and three siblings were in a major car accident last Friday with an 18 wheeler, the kids thought that my mom had died in the crash directly after the impact since she didn’t respond quickly, she finally came to, and wasn’t lucid because of a concussion. It was very traumatic for everyone involved, but by God’s amazing grace and sovereign intervention no one was permanently injured and they are all recovering well with bruises, a sprain, and 4 stitches among the minor repercussions. I am more aware than ever of my love for them, and longing to be with them!! My family holds my heart forever!! Praise the Lord for his power to save!! “Our God is a God who saves; from the sovereign Lord comes escapes from death.” Psalm 68:20

We only have about 10 days of being in the schools left to go, so praise the Lord and let Him be glorified among these last several schools who have not yet heard our message or been exposed to the Christian friendship we live with everyday. May we be worthy of the gospel of Jesus, walk in a way that is wise, and encouraging one another—win many to the Lord!

I love you all and I will try to get a chance to update once more before I head back to NY for debriefing. Blessings to you and Grace from the master!!!

Well, that was a bit of a long one, but I am simply fascinated by his goodness and can’t help but tell you of it!! It won’t be long till I can convey my joy to you in person!! March 12^th Here I come!

 

 

Isaiah James Ryder And Jenny Rose!!!

I had the wonderful privileged of going to Kansas City for Christmas, New Years, and my 21st Birthday!!! I am so excited that I also got to be in town for the birth of my beautiful new nephew Isaiah James Ryder!! He was born Christmas Eve 8lbs and 6oz. He was warmly welcomed by his parents Matthew and Song, and his big brother, who is more precocious than ever, Levi! I also got to spend special time with my sister whom I haven’t seen in a whole year!! She took me out for a very fabulous birthday date!! And my mamma also joined the wonder 2 days after Christmas with her own bag of goodies!! She made me the most beautiful– “Ariel Shell”– necklace I have ever had, I say it’s for me to put my voice in! I am so happy I got to spend time with her she’s so fun to be around!! Being at IHOP was lovely although I was extremely preoccupied by my fund raising push, for my upcoming ( in only 3 days!!) outreach to Indiana with YWAM!! All prayers are highly appreciated! I KNOW the Lord with provide! Happy NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

Walking

I feel it’s extremely important to dedicate an entry to the joy and pain of walking, mostly because it is the number one mode of transportation around here for me. Against the wishes of many, (I found out today!) including, I believe my father and Leah Morgan (IHOP staff) I have also taken several non-bombed buss rides, but for the most part I am a great walker. I love it very much. I like walking with Softah, and I like walking with Pierre. Most of all I like to walk alone, not because I don’t love Softah and Pierre, I do! They are two of my best buds in Jerusalem! I really enjoy all my time spent with my wonderful Softah and my friend, but there’s something about the streets of a city, that they tell you when you are alone, which they shyly hide when others are privy to their presence. So I ask questions, I laugh, I smile, sigh, and weep, alone. I have learned a lot over the years, (I know my very few years, but a few nonetheless) while waking.

Belive it or not, I have discovered there, more than anywhere else, my love for silence.  I, Breanna Noel do often crave and long for it. The quiet still whispers. Nothingness. Think of it as a canvas upon which the whole day may be painted, a destiny unfolded.

Walking is a place to become. I think that’s why I love running and climbing so much. Ireland and then New York is where I first really learned to walk. New York told me many secrets and Jerusalem even more. Mostly I think. I think about the people or pray for mine. My family, the people I will meet, bless, love, and serve with a nod, a smile, a hand, or a prayer. The streets tell me who they are. Jaffa, Emeck Rafiem, and King David, “Did you know Yeshua was here, right here? Do you know who the king is? Have you felt the awe and trembling of his presence? When you knew he was coming close did you shudder? Did you shrink back a little? I did. When he walked here I felt the mark and it’s still here, 100 feet down, it’s still here. We know we belong to the Lord, and we will not forget what was paid, the blood that was spilled here right here.

Whether I walk in the Old or the New City, I enjoy the moment and long for the fulfillment of their prophesies. I wait and watch. And I do not keep silent. God help me to know where to walk next and who to touch along the way, you did. Now let me do the same as I walk the streets of Jerusalem.

Amazing Grace.

Thank you GOD! The movie industry is not totally damned! There is yet something of substance and worth, still hanging on by a thread. This is the very thread I must grab hold of as an actress if I am to not only survive, but actually thrive as a Christian missionary undercover–as by the way we all are in the many roles God has places us in—within this industry. Tonight after an amazing extrapolation on the first few words of the book Song of Songs, “kiss me with the kisses of your word.” taught by the wonderful Mike Bickle, I went to the best movie I have seen in probably a year or more. It’s right up there with Luther, Winslow Boy, and Remember the Titans. It was so good, and Jesus was there, I felt His pleasure. I was so thankful for the way in which He was painted. I don’t want to give anything away, so please go see it. But I can barely even speak still after watching it. I will marry someone just like William Wilberforce, or I won’t get married, and I want to become something so world changing. “Oh God if what I am doing here on earth doesn’t effect some kind of change, and some sort of transformation then let me come home to you now, it’s not worth it otherwise. I can’t bear all this injustice unless it matters. I hope I matter here, I want to cause and shift with prayer, not just blow air into space. I must Lord, truly I must.

I will seek your heart on this more fervently now because of this man, this life, lead and lived by Amazing Grace”.

                                                                                          

Must Write!

Okay, so I’m writing just for the sake of writing, but I have a fabulous excuse, I am sick. I have the yucks, or as my leader says, “my head feels like a blimp” I am going to sleep early, so as to arise before 1 to clean house and visit with my dear friends Gary and Marie, my spiritual parents at the house of prayer. I really enjoy them and all their incredible wisdom, I highly recomend heir new book, “Reaching your Power Potential” it’s about the sermon on the mount and it’s dynamic impact on our individual history. Check it out!

Anyway goodnight and good day to all you day people.

Prepare yourself for poetry is soon to follow…..

“Be Here…just be here”.

Wow, I am amazed what a fight is it is to be present. Maybe it’s from my upbringing. I have this father, this amazing incredible father, who makes all glasses seem half full, all nights seem solely for the purpose of a star display, and all wounds are trophies that tell where you’ve been and how far you’ve come. So naturally I in turn, am a “big picture” thinker/dreamer. Life is nothing but one big possibility waiting for me, or more appropriately, for God to say when. I can jump high, I can touch the moon and have it if I want it. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me“Phil 4:13 And I can change the world. I love that. That’s who I am, because my dad said so. My mom enforced it with her encouragement and love. But often dreamers have a hard time being. I have a hard time being, because I want to be over there, or up there. Right now. But since I’ve been in this new season I’ve been learning that, “Beholding is becoming.” “That I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the LORD And to meditate in His temple.” Ps 27 It’s okay and in fact necessary, for me to behold the possibilities and know that I can, but yet chose to fight for the “now” factor. I want to be here 100% here, not 10 years from now when I have my 12 kids and amazing_____. There’s a lot of things that fill in that blank, things that don’t need to be displayed for the whole world, but they’re there. And my picture is so precious to me, it’s good, but in the end it’s just a picture. It’s not now, and maybe not even then… but I know what is, I know who is, and “I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified.” I Cor 2:2 He is what I want, and have now. So, “God come and be with me more than yesterday, and tell me what I need now, and what is on your heart for these that you so love. Now, this moment. You are my beginning and ending and that’s all I need to know…for now.”

In closing Jesus says:

“25Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life…1So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Matthew 6:25-34

Psalm 131

1 My heart is not proud, O LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.

2 But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

~amen